Category Archives: Pregnancy Updates

9 weeks – and when to tell?

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I’m now 9 weeks pregnant, or in my 10th week (it’s so funny how different sites calculate it different ways). I’ve known about this pregnancy for just over 5 weeks now, it’s actually gone by very fast.

I’m sick as hell most days, and actually throw up all or part of a meal about once a day. I’m already showing – and although it just looks like I’ve put on weight, it’s really that everything in my abdomen has just decided it remembers how to look pregnant and is going to just go right back to that state. I swear, it’s not bloat and it’s not baby – everything has just like moved upwards and it’s not a pretty sight.
We’ve seen the heartbeat, so far everything is going well and to be honest, at the point where we will be able to find out that it’s NOT going well, I’m going to be already showing.

So when do we start telling people?

We’ve already told family and friends, the people that are there for us, that we knew would support us through another miscarriage, etc. But I suppose it’s getting to be about time to tell the rest of the world, extended family, friends we don’t see often, etc. I’m thinking I will send out some texts and maybe post on Facebook after our next appt – October 6th. We will have another ultrasound then, and instead of a blob I should be able to share a picture that looks something like a baby.

I guess what I dread most are the questions once we tell people. Because of Gavin, instead of being happy for us, so many people are instantly curious. All of a sudden those private things we don’t ask people, are just fine to ask us.

“Did you plan this pregnancy?”  “How will they monitor the baby?”  “What will you do if it’s brain does not develop correctly?” … and on and on.  No offense, but it’s not like we didn’t think about these things, and to be honest, I may not really feel like sharing with you my plans. This is an emotional journey, and we need support, day to day our feelings and plans change. We don’t exactly know .. this is a walk of faith.

The majority of my friends and family have been simply wonderful. Crying tears of joy, praying with us and for this baby, and rejoicing in this new life.

Gavin’s 1st birthday is next Friday. I’m already feeling so emotional about it, happy and sad, and more than anything, missing him so much my heart aches. I know he’s watching over us, over his little brother or sister and that gives me comfort. But what I wouldn’t do to hold him one more time, hug him close and just BE with him. That is the hardest part, by far.

So 9 weeks pregnant … going to announce this baby to the world in about 2 weeks. Next Dr. appt is October 6th, and specialist appt at UAB October 17th.

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Yes, there IS a baby in there.

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Yesterday I had the joy of having an early dating ultrasound, and my first OB appointment of this pregnancy.

It’s almost surreal going back to Shelby Baptist – just about one year ago I gave birth to Gavin there, and our lives changed forever.  Every time I drive into that parking lot, I get little flashbacks. Pulling into the “in labor” parking spot, all of those hours of back labor while I moaned (ok, let me be honest, screamed) and Jeremy and Kaleigh took turns putting pressure on my lower back. Eventually a c-section (just what I was trying to avoid) and the birth of Gavin. Life changing event that was just shy of one year ago.

At 8:20 yesterday, Jeremy and I drove into that very same parking lot, and I saw it on his face too. It hurts still, there is no way around it. Once inside the doctor’s office, we went straight to the ultrasound room. Unfortunately, this tech was not aware of our situation, remembered us from as year and asked how old our baby was now.  Luckily, I’m an old pro at answering that question, and it does not even bring up much emotion in me. I told her he would be almost a year old, but is an angel and only lived 10 weeks. Always a great way to start off a convo, since whoever asked that question automatically starts apologizing. It really is ok, we are used to that question, I promise.

So the ultrasound tech hands me the wand and says “insert it like a tampon” … uh, yea right. Last time I checked tampons are not large plastic wands, this thing looks more like… well, use your imagination. Right away she measures the gestational sac and shows me the yolk sac. Then she finds the baby, who is literally nestled down in the bottom. The tech was joking and saying the baby had made a cozy little bed down there. We saw the heartbeat, 123 beats per minute. Baby measured 6 weeks 5 days.

I knew there would be a baby in there. I’m too sick, bitchy and exhausted for this to be anything else but a viable pregnancy. My fear is not IF there is a baby in there, but how this baby is going to develop.

So then we see Dr. Head, who I simply love to death. Of course we get a bit of special treatment because of Gavin … he is going to hold our hands through this, and I can not thank him enough for that. He is going to give me an ultrasound each time I have an appointment – yes, to check brain development, but also to put my mind at ease.

We are also going to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at UAB. My first appt with them is October 17, and I will know more. I did talk with the department yesterday, and they already knew me. A genetic counselor got on the phone when she heard it was me .. turns out she had met me in the hospital with Gavin, and knew our history, etc.  She confirmed that there is nothing they can genetically test this baby for .. but also let a little info “slip” – she was reading the geneticist’s notes and said he thought it was open and shut infection .. but had to counsel us about other risks.  We knew it looked like infection, but didn’t realize genetics felt so strongly in that direction. For some reason, that gives me comfort.

My next appointment is October 6th, ultrasound then Dr. visit. I’m due April 28, 2012.  There IS a baby in there, and this process is out of our hands. We must have faith, and I do.

BFP!! (That’s Big Fat Positive) ie, I’m Pregnant!

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Anyone that has tried to have a child before knows the anticipation and hope for a BFP – peeing on a stick and seeing those two lines come up, or now, with digital tests, reading “Pregnant”.  It’s an amazing feeling, usually a wonderful combination of shock and pure joy. WE DID IT, WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!

Well, as life tends to do, sometimes it teaches us lessons – lessons we sometimes don’t want to know or learn. Well before Gavin I learned that pregnancy is a very fragile process, and a positive pregnancy test does not always equal a baby.  So I’ve always been happy, but cautious. My moment to relax is when I see that fluttering heartbeat on the screen – the chances of miscarriage greatly decrease and that is usually when I actually begin to celebrate and believe I am really pregnant.

So here I am, pregnant again. I must admit, I believe I’m still in shock, more than a week after that positive test.

I guess I’ve been pregnant enough times now (5, to be exact) to know what it feels like very early on. So a few days before my period was due, when I was crampy, a raging bitch and just had “that feeling” … I decided to test.

First I woke up Jeremy to tell him what I suspected.  I honestly dreaded this – I had no idea how he would react. He gave me a hug and said his first emotion was to be excited, but then fear took over and he was scared to death. We shed a few tears and hugged, while I assured him that I felt the very same way. How could you not after what we have been through?

I made the trip to Dollar Tree for their amazing $1 pregnancy tests (which, in case you don’t know this little gem, are AMAZINGLY accurate and sensitive, much more so than the $15 tests in the grocery store).

Nervously I watched the test develop and within 2 minutes saw the faintest of lines. It was honestly so faint it was hard to see – but again, I’ve done this enough times to know a line is a line, and I was most likely pregnant. I took another test the next morning, and it was a darker positive. Later that day I also look a digital – those things leave nothing to the imagination, you are either ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’. Yep, you guessed it…

So, here we are. I got that positive test on Thursday, August 18 and it’s over a week later, I’m actually 5 weeks pregnant today.

One of the very first decisions Jeremy and I had to make was how we were going to manage this pregnancy – were we going to let nature take it’s course, or intervene and take Progesterone since we know I’ve been deficient in the 1st trimester before?  We decided to take the first step towards trusting my body, and this pregnancy .. we chose not to supplement. If this baby is healthy and a viable pregnancy, we believe it will happen on it’s own.  I know Progesterone is not supposed to keep a pregnancy that is not viable .. but we will forever wonder if it did help me hold onto Gavin’s pregnancy, when my body knew it was not quite right.

It’s been over a week, and as the days progress, I feel more and more confident about this baby. I’m already having significant nausea, which we all know is a good sign, and was always lacking in my not-healthy pregnancies.

Overall, I have this hard to explain peace and calm. Ever since Gavin died, I’ve thought long and hard about how I would feel if I got pregnant again .. and I was pretty sure I’d be a neurotic, nervous mess. But for some reason, I’m just the opposite. Now don’t get me wrong .. I’ve got my moments of worry and that little voice is back there saying, “What if lissencephaly happens again?”. But I also have this zen, laid back calm that is honestly so not my personality. Deep down, my instincts tell me this is our rainbow baby.

I suppose only time will tell. Step one in my attempt to not be a neurotic mess this pregnancy is holding off on any early blood work. My first OB appointment is scheduled September 8th, I will be 6w6d and will have an ultrasound, then a regular Dr. appointment. We figured if I am not going to supplement with Progesterone, no need to stress over early HcG and Progesterone numbers – I will either make it to Sept 8th and there will be a heartbeat and viable baby, or not. Only time will tell.

For now, I chose to enjoy this early days of pregnancy, and every day that I have the gift of carrying this little one with me. I have learned the lard lesson of how fragile this process is – and I chose to spend the time I have with this little one in peace, and love.