Yes, there IS a baby in there.

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Yesterday I had the joy of having an early dating ultrasound, and my first OB appointment of this pregnancy.

It’s almost surreal going back to Shelby Baptist – just about one year ago I gave birth to Gavin there, and our lives changed forever.  Every time I drive into that parking lot, I get little flashbacks. Pulling into the “in labor” parking spot, all of those hours of back labor while I moaned (ok, let me be honest, screamed) and Jeremy and Kaleigh took turns putting pressure on my lower back. Eventually a c-section (just what I was trying to avoid) and the birth of Gavin. Life changing event that was just shy of one year ago.

At 8:20 yesterday, Jeremy and I drove into that very same parking lot, and I saw it on his face too. It hurts still, there is no way around it. Once inside the doctor’s office, we went straight to the ultrasound room. Unfortunately, this tech was not aware of our situation, remembered us from as year and asked how old our baby was now.  Luckily, I’m an old pro at answering that question, and it does not even bring up much emotion in me. I told her he would be almost a year old, but is an angel and only lived 10 weeks. Always a great way to start off a convo, since whoever asked that question automatically starts apologizing. It really is ok, we are used to that question, I promise.

So the ultrasound tech hands me the wand and says “insert it like a tampon” … uh, yea right. Last time I checked tampons are not large plastic wands, this thing looks more like… well, use your imagination. Right away she measures the gestational sac and shows me the yolk sac. Then she finds the baby, who is literally nestled down in the bottom. The tech was joking and saying the baby had made a cozy little bed down there. We saw the heartbeat, 123 beats per minute. Baby measured 6 weeks 5 days.

I knew there would be a baby in there. I’m too sick, bitchy and exhausted for this to be anything else but a viable pregnancy. My fear is not IF there is a baby in there, but how this baby is going to develop.

So then we see Dr. Head, who I simply love to death. Of course we get a bit of special treatment because of Gavin … he is going to hold our hands through this, and I can not thank him enough for that. He is going to give me an ultrasound each time I have an appointment – yes, to check brain development, but also to put my mind at ease.

We are also going to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist at UAB. My first appt with them is October 17, and I will know more. I did talk with the department yesterday, and they already knew me. A genetic counselor got on the phone when she heard it was me .. turns out she had met me in the hospital with Gavin, and knew our history, etc.  She confirmed that there is nothing they can genetically test this baby for .. but also let a little info “slip” – she was reading the geneticist’s notes and said he thought it was open and shut infection .. but had to counsel us about other risks.  We knew it looked like infection, but didn’t realize genetics felt so strongly in that direction. For some reason, that gives me comfort.

My next appointment is October 6th, ultrasound then Dr. visit. I’m due April 28, 2012.  There IS a baby in there, and this process is out of our hands. We must have faith, and I do.

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About candace7676

After a healthy pregnancy, we had a baby boy born last September with a rare brain malformation. His name was Gavin, and he was with us 10 short weeks before he gained his angel wings. We are now pregnant again and a crazy mixture of excited, scared and hopeful. This blog will document our journey to a rainbow baby after loss...

2 responses »

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am new to the “blogging world” and stumbled upon your blog this evening. My husband and I lost our first child at birth 15 years ago. We have gone on to have 3 beautiful, healthy kids. We’ve just recently released a song that we hope can offer some comfort to others that have walked this road. You can find out more on my blog at kellyfiler.wordpress.com. The song is called, “Savannah’s Song.” Blessings to you in your pregnancy.
    Sincerely,
    Kelly Filer

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