Anyone that has tried to have a child before knows the anticipation and hope for a BFP – peeing on a stick and seeing those two lines come up, or now, with digital tests, reading “Pregnant”. It’s an amazing feeling, usually a wonderful combination of shock and pure joy. WE DID IT, WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!
Well, as life tends to do, sometimes it teaches us lessons – lessons we sometimes don’t want to know or learn. Well before Gavin I learned that pregnancy is a very fragile process, and a positive pregnancy test does not always equal a baby. So I’ve always been happy, but cautious. My moment to relax is when I see that fluttering heartbeat on the screen – the chances of miscarriage greatly decrease and that is usually when I actually begin to celebrate and believe I am really pregnant.
So here I am, pregnant again. I must admit, I believe I’m still in shock, more than a week after that positive test.
I guess I’ve been pregnant enough times now (5, to be exact) to know what it feels like very early on. So a few days before my period was due, when I was crampy, a raging bitch and just had “that feeling” … I decided to test.
First I woke up Jeremy to tell him what I suspected. I honestly dreaded this – I had no idea how he would react. He gave me a hug and said his first emotion was to be excited, but then fear took over and he was scared to death. We shed a few tears and hugged, while I assured him that I felt the very same way. How could you not after what we have been through?
I made the trip to Dollar Tree for their amazing $1 pregnancy tests (which, in case you don’t know this little gem, are AMAZINGLY accurate and sensitive, much more so than the $15 tests in the grocery store).
Nervously I watched the test develop and within 2 minutes saw the faintest of lines. It was honestly so faint it was hard to see – but again, I’ve done this enough times to know a line is a line, and I was most likely pregnant. I took another test the next morning, and it was a darker positive. Later that day I also look a digital – those things leave nothing to the imagination, you are either ‘Pregnant’ or ‘Not Pregnant’. Yep, you guessed it…
So, here we are. I got that positive test on Thursday, August 18 and it’s over a week later, I’m actually 5 weeks pregnant today.
One of the very first decisions Jeremy and I had to make was how we were going to manage this pregnancy – were we going to let nature take it’s course, or intervene and take Progesterone since we know I’ve been deficient in the 1st trimester before? We decided to take the first step towards trusting my body, and this pregnancy .. we chose not to supplement. If this baby is healthy and a viable pregnancy, we believe it will happen on it’s own. I know Progesterone is not supposed to keep a pregnancy that is not viable .. but we will forever wonder if it did help me hold onto Gavin’s pregnancy, when my body knew it was not quite right.
It’s been over a week, and as the days progress, I feel more and more confident about this baby. I’m already having significant nausea, which we all know is a good sign, and was always lacking in my not-healthy pregnancies.
Overall, I have this hard to explain peace and calm. Ever since Gavin died, I’ve thought long and hard about how I would feel if I got pregnant again .. and I was pretty sure I’d be a neurotic, nervous mess. But for some reason, I’m just the opposite. Now don’t get me wrong .. I’ve got my moments of worry and that little voice is back there saying, “What if lissencephaly happens again?”. But I also have this zen, laid back calm that is honestly so not my personality. Deep down, my instincts tell me this is our rainbow baby.
I suppose only time will tell. Step one in my attempt to not be a neurotic mess this pregnancy is holding off on any early blood work. My first OB appointment is scheduled September 8th, I will be 6w6d and will have an ultrasound, then a regular Dr. appointment. We figured if I am not going to supplement with Progesterone, no need to stress over early HcG and Progesterone numbers – I will either make it to Sept 8th and there will be a heartbeat and viable baby, or not. Only time will tell.
For now, I chose to enjoy this early days of pregnancy, and every day that I have the gift of carrying this little one with me. I have learned the lard lesson of how fragile this process is – and I chose to spend the time I have with this little one in peace, and love.